Report: Everything Officially Dead Except The Web

NEW YORK -- Officials at the Online Institute of Life and Death reported today that everything except the internet is now officially dead. The Institute released a partial list of dead things:Television is deadNewspapers are deadAdvertising is deadMagazines are deadGod is deadPaul is deadHidden Valley Fiesta Ranch Dip Mix is deadGrateful is deadDeath itself is deadEverything else is deadTo make